Often in our work we are asked for resources to learn about nonmonogamy, and boy howdy are there a lot of them. Some are great! Some are ok. Some are meh. We may feel differently about some things than you do, and that’s ok! It’s all about learning and gaining insight into self, which happens in many different ways. Here are a few of our favorites to get you going in building your own resource list to reference.
Websites
https://www.reddit.com/r/polyamory/ Some could accuse me of being a shill for Reddit in general, given my love for r/awww and r/animalsbeingbros. The polyamory subreddit is a very active community with nearly 300k members. You can filter content by rants, advice, stories, and learning, or just read the general stuff people post. Similar to polyamory.com, there are numerous examples of people doing nonmonogamy and learning what works for them along the way. There are also many other subreddits about nonmonogamy, polyamory, swinging, relationship anarchy, and open relationships.
https://relationship-anarchy.com/about/ Even though they haven’t put up a post since 2018, the information on this site is still incredibly valuable. If you are looking to understand more about relationship anarchy, this is a great place to start.
https://www.div44cnm.org/ The American Psychological Association’s division to get nonmonogamy recognized as a standard relationship option and encourage more research in nonmonogamy. If you are more interested in the research, psychology and activism side of nonmonogamy, this is a great place to get more academic information.
https://polyamorylegal.org/ This group seeks to make sure that nonmonogamy is a protected relationship status. Over 1000 legal benefits are automatically granted to married couples. This inherently privileges monogamous relationships. This group is doing work that not only helps nonmonogamous relationships, but any relationship that has a non-traditional structure.
Podcasts
Loving Without Boundaries https://lovingwithoutboundaries.com/ provides information, resources, and support for people who are interested in or practicing consensual non-monogamy, including polyamory and open relationships. The website is created by a certified coach and therapist who specializes in working with individuals and couples who are exploring or in non-monogamous relationships. The website provides a wide range of information and resources, including articles and blog posts on topics such as communication, jealousy, and boundary-setting, as well as information about workshops, coaching and therapy services, books, and podcasts. It also offers a directory of therapists and coaches who specialize in nonmonogamy, and provides a space for people to share their stories and experiences of nonmonogamy. The website also has a forum where individuals can connect with others who are in nonmonogamous relationships, and a resource page that includes a list of podcasts, books, and articles that can help people to learn more about nonmonogamy.
Normalizing Nonmonogamy https://www.normalizingnonmonogamy.com/ is all about making nonmonogamy normal. The website aims to promote education and awareness about the different forms of nonmonogamy, and to challenge the societal expectation that monogamy is the only way to have a successful relationship. They provide a wide range of information and resources, including articles and blog posts on topics such as communication, jealousy, and boundary-setting. They offers resources such as books, podcasts, and support groups for those interested in nonmonogamy. The website also provides a directory of therapists and coaches who specialize in nonmonogamy, as well as events and workshops for individuals and couples. There is also a space to share stories and experiences of those who practice nonmonogamy, which can be an inspiring and educational resource for those who are curious about it.
Books
I want to get away from the books that you normally see recommended on the websites and forums mentioned above, and give you a few other options that are very good. Though I am going to double down on reading Polysecure by Jessica Fern. It’s just that good.
The Polyamory Toolkit by Martha Kappui provides practical advice and tools for those interested in polyamorous relationships. It covers a range of topics including communication, jealousy, and boundary-setting, providing readers with an understanding of the principles and practices of polyamory. The book explores the different types of polyamorous relationships, such as solo polyamory, triads, and networks, and discusses how to navigate the logistics of multiple relationships. It also goes into the ethical considerations of polyamory and the importance of consent, boundaries, and communication. Additionally, the book provides guidance on how to talk to friends, family, and coworkers about polyamory and how to handle the challenges that may arise from being in a non-traditional relationship. Overall, “The Polyamory Toolkit” is a comprehensive guide for anyone looking to understand and explore polyamory, offering practical advice and tools for navigating the complexities of multiple relationships.
Designer Relationships by Mark Michaels and Patricia Johnson is a book that explores the concept of creating intentional, conscious relationships. It suggests that by approaching relationships as a “design project,” individuals can become more aware of their own needs, desires, and boundaries, as well as those of their partners. The book promotes a “designer mindset” that encourages open communication, self-awareness, and the ability to adapt and change as needed. It also emphasizes the importance of consent, mutual respect and mutual benefit in designing relationships. The book aims to provide readers with the tools they need to design the kind of relationships they want and deserve, be it romantic, sexual, platonic or professional.
Stepping Off The Relationship Escalator by Amy Gahran is a book that challenges the traditional view of relationships and the societal expectations that come with them. The author argues that the traditional “relationship escalator” – which includes milestones such as dating, living together, marriage, and having children – does not work for everyone and can lead to feelings of pressure and disappointment. Instead, she advocates for the idea of “relationship anarchy”, which prioritizes open communication, autonomy, and self-awareness in all types of relationships, including romantic, platonic, and familial. The book also covers themes such as redefining love, building a supportive community, and creating alternative models of relationships. The book challenges the traditional way of thinking about relationships and offers a more flexible and personalized approach to relationships, encouraging readers to think about what they want in a relationship and to communicate their needs and boundaries with their partners.
The Polyamory Breakup Book by Kathy Labriola is a guidebook for individuals who are navigating the end of a polyamorous relationship. The book aims to provide emotional support, practical advice, and exercises for healing and moving forward after a breakup. Labriola begins by defining polyamory and acknowledging the unique challenges that come with multiple intimate relationships. She then explores the various types of breakups that can occur in a polyamorous context and offers guidance for managing the emotional turmoil that often accompanies the end of a relationship.The book also covers topics such as communication strategies for breakup conversations, ways to cope with jealousy and insecurity, and tips for maintaining healthy relationships in the aftermath of a breakup. Labriola also includes exercises and journal prompts for readers to reflect on their experiences and emotions.
“The Anxious Person’s Guide to Non-Monogamy” by Lola Phoenix is a self-help book that offers practical advice and emotional support for individuals who struggle with anxiety and are considering or practicing nonmonogamy. The book begins by exploring the challenges that anxious individuals may face in navigating nonmonogamous relationships, such as managing jealousy, communicating effectively, and setting boundaries. Phoenix offers guidance on how to address these challenges through strategies such as mindfulness, self-compassion, and vulnerability. The book also covers topics such as consent, ethical non-monogamy, and intersectionality in nonmonogamous relationships. Phoenix encourages readers to prioritize their own needs and values, while also being mindful of the needs and experiences of their partners and other individuals in their nonmonogamous communities. Throughout the book, Phoenix shares personal anecdotes and insights from their own journey with anxiety and nonmonogamy, which helps to create a relatable and supportive tone. The book concludes with resources for further reading and support.
Multimedia Extravaganza!
Multiamory Podcast https://www.multiamory.com/podcast This is one of the best podcasts on nonmonogamy out there. You can learn a lot of great tools to use to help you on your journey. They also have interviews with many great authors and thought leaders in nonmonogamy. I like how easy it is to find topics that are relevant to getting better at nonmonogamy. They also recently came out with a book based off their podcast!
Kimchi Cuddles. https://kimchicuddles.com/ is an amazing comic created by Tikva Wolf that features a collection of webcomics and personal stories exploring themes of queer, polyamorous, and gender-diverse relationships. The website provides a platform for individuals to share their experiences and challenges within these communities. It promotes inclusivity, empathy, and understanding, aiming to create a safe and supportive space for people to connect and learn from one another. Tikva also recently came out with a comic book about relationship communication that is worth the read!
Get Therapy
Sometimes the best resource is a good local therapist in your area. Check out these sites to find local therapists who are nonmonogamy, queer and kink friendly!
Polyfriengly.org is a great way to find people who have in-depth understanding of nonmonogamy, so you don’t have to do the leg work of explaining the basics of nonmonogamy. There are international listings, as well as sorted by state. This service is free to use, both for counselors to list themselves and to search. https://www.polyfriendly.org/categories/psychotherapists-licensed-or-registered/
Another resource along these lines is Kink Aware Professionals (KAP). They also cover nonmonogamy, and delineate between polyamory and swinging. Providers sort themselves into “friendly”, “aware”, and “knowledgeable” based on their experience and comfort working with different identities. You can search by region and speciality (poly, kink, swinger (lifestyle). This service is free to use, both for counselors to list themselves and to search. https://www.kapprofessionals.org/business-directory-2/
Psychology Today is a classic search engine for finding a counselor or therapist. You can search by region, issue, insurance, modality, and sexuality, but there is no way to search specifically for someone who is nonmonogamy competent. Clinicians can list if they work with these relationship styles, but the search feature is limited. Clinicians must pay to be listed, which limits some of the people who use the site. It is free to search. https://www.psychologytoday.com/
Therapy Den is a smaller search engine with a lot of search power. They allow you to search for people who specialize in “polyamory and open relationships” in multiple ways, and show if people are affirming of different relationship styles, LGBTQ identities, and kink. They have recently moved to focusing on a paid service, which means that clinicians have to pay to be listed on the site if they want potential clients to find them. The founder also recently sold the company, which has led to many changes that are leading people to moving away from it as a listing service. It is free to search on for clients. https://www.therapyden.com/
Open Path is a place to find counselors who offer sliding scale sessions. They offer the option to search for someone who works with “polyamory & alternative relationship structures” as well as someone who works with “BDSM and kink affirming”. Many clinicians use this as a way to manage their sliding scale spots in their regular practices. https://openpathcollective.org/